onward - by Heather

I.

I have been working in retail for a long time. 

I mean, it’s alright. I like a lot of the people I work with, and sometimes the job is actually fun. And even, once in a while, fulfilling.

But it’s time to move on.

II.

I have dreamed of going back to school for a long time. But, for what?? What do I want to do with my life? And, most importantly,

How can I afford it??

I’m not exactly wealthy. And I have three kids. Three amazing kids. Kids who like things like eating and wearing clothes and seeing in the dark and waking up warm and going places.

So I can’t just quit my job, can I?

Or… can I?

III.

So, as it happens, I stumbled onto a path that I would never have found any other way.

And this path has brought me to school.

Getting to school was challenging. From finding my SIN card to getting OSAP to talking to my boss to getting everything I needed for school, this path has been…

Bumpy.

One hurdle after another, for six solid weeks. I don’t even know how many times I cried, “this is so hard!!”

And then classes started.

IV.

I’m turning 40 next month.

The girl who sits next to me is 18.

When I dropped out of college, she wasn’t even born.

In fact, she’s only three years older than my oldest child.

Most of the other students are young enough to be my daughters.

So I came home after school yesterday,

and sobbed in the bathroom.

V.

I am not good at knowing nothing.

If I know even a little bit, I can take that tidbit of knowledge and run with it, use it to propel me as I keep learning. I can think and try and research and practice and keep learning.

When I started doing make-up for theatre, I knew the basics. And yeah, I screwed up my first attempt, but then I pulled myself together and worked my ass off, and eventually, it was perfect.

But I already had that base of knowledge to work from.

This, though...

I’ve structured my life in such a way that I do things I’m good at. I still learn new things all the time, but I’m just building on what I already know.

This, though…

I came home after school yesterday,

and sobbed in the bathroom.

VI.

I can do this. I know I can. I know it.

But right now, it’s overwhelming. I feel old. I feel inadequate. I feel incompetent. I feel…

I feel like a beginner.

But this won’t last. I’m learning. I worked so hard, and cleared all those hurdles just to get to this point. I just kept going. Meeting all the challenges, overcoming the obstacles, doing what had to be done to get here.

I want to quit. To just throw in the towel and go back to the life I had before. 

Except…

I don’t want the life I had before.

So here I go.

Onward.