Trust - by Shelley
I had not had a Crohn’s flare in eleven years. Not through all the stresses and changes of bowel surgery, nearly losing my Mom to septic shock, stillbirth, c-section and funeral, job change, town move, new school, brand new house, new work. Not once. I have been bowel-perfect as proven by no symptoms, clear bloodwork and normal biennial colonoscopies and biopsies.
Prior to this, I was in flare for three years. New parent, no strength, no stamina, continuous gut and joint pain, exhaustion, hunger, weight loss, constant diarrhea. A Crohn’s flare garners little sympathy and understanding from others partly because the sufferer learns to deny or hide it well. Three years of this, despite proper medication. “A thorn was given to me in the flesh… Three times I appealed to the Lord about this, that it would leave me, but he said to me “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in your weakness”. 2 Cor 12:7-9
Then God offered me a healing. I knew it as sure as I am sure of the warmth of the sun. It was beautiful and gentle and loving. It was not a voice, it was an “ah-ha” moment of perfect clarity. During the three month timeframe of healing, I discovered this Word, which I endearingly refer to as my “birthday verse” (Nov. 4). “But when Jesus heard it, he said ‘This illness does not lead to death: rather it is for God’s glory, so that the Son of God may be glorified through it.’” John 11:4.
It seemed to me my call was to ensure I gave Him all due credit for this healing. I could speak easily of this… where it was safe to do so: with my husband, Christian moms groups, Catholic Women’s League, close friends, Bible Study group. But I have always been sheepish to proclaim with such boldness to my immediate family and in-laws, or co-workers. I knew the medical counter arguments I would hear from fellow health professionals, and from doctors. Effectively, I have been afraid of being mocked, ridiculed, or criticized. And I hate not being believed. I have been unable to be bold.
I resent the clinical explanation, not hearing “you are disease free” but, despite proof, hearing instead “you are in complete remission”. Remission implies relapse. And it was not ever what I wanted to hear. Yet I remained uncomfortable to boldly proclaim Jesus’ hand in eleven years of no symptoms or problems.
So in July, eight months ago, after a certain radiology test I had requested, and a weekend of poor food choices, my bowel flared. I recognized it instantly, like visiting someone you know well but never liked, as in a high school nemesis. The gut calmed down in a week but, probably not coincidentally, my first colonoscopy with my new specialist was the week after that. I arrived for the scope at St. Joseph’s hospital, my first time to this facility. It thrilled me to see crucifixes along the rooms, halls and above doors. I was confident and calm. As I lied in the waiting bed, I fixed my eyes on the crucifix in the room. I did not know what would happen with this scope but months before I had already arrogantly boasted of how wonderfully surprised I expected the doctor to be. Thinking of the Divine Mercy image of Jesus, I repeated the words “Jesus I trust in You”. I prayed telling Him I did not know what to expect, or where He was taking me, but I would trust Him.
I stayed awake to watch the scope and was in disbelief. Who was I looking at? What is all that red and swelling? I have no symptoms, how could this be me? I am still in shock. I still have no symptoms. A repeat scope and biopsies in December were marginally better. One other test confirmed active inflammation. The disease is active despite my feeling no gut or joint pain, having no eating or digestion or bowel issues, sleeping fine, and having normal bloodwork.
Jesus I trust in You, but I clearly cannot comprehend.
Jesus, I am sorry you did not get the glory as you should have, but I know you love, you do not punish. I trust in You.
Jesus, I am inexplicably very afraid of the next medical step, but I trust in You.
“Trust” is absolutely the word I am focused on right now.
Prior to this, I was in flare for three years. New parent, no strength, no stamina, continuous gut and joint pain, exhaustion, hunger, weight loss, constant diarrhea. A Crohn’s flare garners little sympathy and understanding from others partly because the sufferer learns to deny or hide it well. Three years of this, despite proper medication. “A thorn was given to me in the flesh… Three times I appealed to the Lord about this, that it would leave me, but he said to me “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in your weakness”. 2 Cor 12:7-9
Then God offered me a healing. I knew it as sure as I am sure of the warmth of the sun. It was beautiful and gentle and loving. It was not a voice, it was an “ah-ha” moment of perfect clarity. During the three month timeframe of healing, I discovered this Word, which I endearingly refer to as my “birthday verse” (Nov. 4). “But when Jesus heard it, he said ‘This illness does not lead to death: rather it is for God’s glory, so that the Son of God may be glorified through it.’” John 11:4.
It seemed to me my call was to ensure I gave Him all due credit for this healing. I could speak easily of this… where it was safe to do so: with my husband, Christian moms groups, Catholic Women’s League, close friends, Bible Study group. But I have always been sheepish to proclaim with such boldness to my immediate family and in-laws, or co-workers. I knew the medical counter arguments I would hear from fellow health professionals, and from doctors. Effectively, I have been afraid of being mocked, ridiculed, or criticized. And I hate not being believed. I have been unable to be bold.
I resent the clinical explanation, not hearing “you are disease free” but, despite proof, hearing instead “you are in complete remission”. Remission implies relapse. And it was not ever what I wanted to hear. Yet I remained uncomfortable to boldly proclaim Jesus’ hand in eleven years of no symptoms or problems.
So in July, eight months ago, after a certain radiology test I had requested, and a weekend of poor food choices, my bowel flared. I recognized it instantly, like visiting someone you know well but never liked, as in a high school nemesis. The gut calmed down in a week but, probably not coincidentally, my first colonoscopy with my new specialist was the week after that. I arrived for the scope at St. Joseph’s hospital, my first time to this facility. It thrilled me to see crucifixes along the rooms, halls and above doors. I was confident and calm. As I lied in the waiting bed, I fixed my eyes on the crucifix in the room. I did not know what would happen with this scope but months before I had already arrogantly boasted of how wonderfully surprised I expected the doctor to be. Thinking of the Divine Mercy image of Jesus, I repeated the words “Jesus I trust in You”. I prayed telling Him I did not know what to expect, or where He was taking me, but I would trust Him.
I stayed awake to watch the scope and was in disbelief. Who was I looking at? What is all that red and swelling? I have no symptoms, how could this be me? I am still in shock. I still have no symptoms. A repeat scope and biopsies in December were marginally better. One other test confirmed active inflammation. The disease is active despite my feeling no gut or joint pain, having no eating or digestion or bowel issues, sleeping fine, and having normal bloodwork.
Jesus I trust in You, but I clearly cannot comprehend.
Jesus, I am sorry you did not get the glory as you should have, but I know you love, you do not punish. I trust in You.
Jesus, I am inexplicably very afraid of the next medical step, but I trust in You.
“Trust” is absolutely the word I am focused on right now.
Shelley you amaze me. I've known you for a number of years and had no idea of your struggles. I understand your pain with Chrons - Mark was diagnosed just before we were married in 1995. And he's just undergone his second surgery this past August. Even though this disease is active in you right now what a blessing that you are feeling well. Adding you to my prayer list. May you continue to feel the strength and healing power of our God. Peace dear friend.
ReplyDeleteThank you Anna. I can keep my mind in disbelief but my body speaks to me otherwise. I really do gain strength through the prayers of others. xo
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