What makes my heart sing - by Alice

The last couple of weeks has been a time of serious reflection for me. I feel like this should have been a really easy topic, I mean, who can’t come up with a list a mile long of things that makes their heart sing? Share my thoughts and off we go. Next. But it wasn’t that easy. It was actually a struggle for me.

What makes my heart sing? I would think about it while I was driving to and from work. How would I word this, how would I explain that there was very little that makes my heart truly sing. I thought more. Was there really only a small handful of things? Did they even really make my heart sing or was I going to make a list for the sake of making a list, put a smiley face on it and call it a day.

I’m a thinker. I’m a doer. I’m a list maker.  To a fault. I often over think to the point of paralysis. I keep “busy” to the point of not being able to rest. I constantly make lists – always thinking about the next thing and adding more and more to the list.

So, what does that have to do with anything? Well, initially I didn’t make a connection, but as I considered this topic I realized that these traits were really what was making me question whether I had much that actually brings me joy. I spend so much time thinking about what’s next, what needs to be done, how I’m going to get it done and when I’m going to get it done, that I really wasn’t spending much time in the present.  

I started another list. A list that made me smile, that made me excited.  

My kids. All three of them are beautiful and bring me much joy for very different reasons. Lily is a sports girl like her mom. She’s quiet and reflective, hardworking and kind. Watching her grow into a beautiful young woman, while petrifying, makes my heart sing. My little Nolan is funny, creative, loving and gentle. He has a mischievous streak to him but that makes him even more adorable. Watching him build and create and play with lego for hours, makes my heart sing. Then there’s my Maya. We often joke that she lives in her own world. She is sweet, giving and has a servant heart. She loves to do things for others. She loves to sing in the shower – at the top of her lungs. She struggles in school but watching her work through her frustrations and accomplish things that come easy to others, makes my heart sing.

My husband. I am married to a wonderful man who loves me unconditionally. I don’t think I realized until recently just how unconditional his love is. We’ve been married for over 13 years. He stands by me, supports me and works hard every day, in a variety of ways, for our family. When I stop to consider the depth of his love, it makes my heart sing.

My parents. As we grew up they were an example of trusting God through everything. From raising a disabled son, to struggling to make ends meet while putting us through Christian School, they continue to be an example of how to live life with Christ at the centre. Spending time with them and watching them with my kids, makes my heart sing.

My sister. I wouldn’t say we were close as kids, but I thank God every day for her and for the closeness that we have developed in our adult years. She is my best friend, my confidant, my therapist, my running partner. She has a beautiful, servant heart. She is kind and loving and caring. Spending time with her a few mornings a week running, makes my heart sing.

Then I added more and more to my list. An awesome Sunday morning of worship at church. Quiet time and spending time in prayer in the peace of the morning at my house.  Knowing and accepting I am loved unconditionally by our Father. Singing along to the music in the car on my commute home. Finding a new recipe and having all the ingredients. Cooking a fabulous meal for my loved ones, or baking delicious treats. Being snuggled up on the couch watching a movie that my kids have been asking over and over to watch. Tea and good conversation with a friend.

What I came to realize as I made this list was that it’s not that I don’t have a laundry list of things in my life that make my heart sing, it’s that I don’t give myself the space to let it sing. At least not for any length of time. I concentrate my energies on looking forward. Making unending lists and striving to cross those things off the list. I don’t make the time to relish in the joys of life, however big or small they might be. And then I became sad. And then I took action. This week has been filled with spending time with the kids and talking more with my husband. Being present with them and giving them my undivided attention. Laughing. Loving more intentionally than I have let myself love in a long time. Feeling all the joy. Feeling at peace.